Angry Feelings

I got surgery to fix one of my feet last week. I’ve had the condition Plantar Fasciitis for about 3 or 4 years now and over those years I’ve gotten a bad growth of bunions on both my feet (yes I’m only 19). So I had surgery to repair my left foot. The friends that reached out to me about it were mostly sympathetic but I feel the surgery came as a blessing. It happened at the right time. I haven’t started working at a barbershop yet, the gyms are closed, and I just received my new Nintendo Switch.

I get my stitches out this Wednesday. While I’m blessed to get at least one properly functioning foot, there are definitely some downsides. I live in the upstairs bedroom of my parents’ house and the boot makes it very hard to go up and down. So I spent the first few days after surgery lazing on the couch, reading books and switching (get it?) between playing Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley for 48 straight hours. But the worst part was the lack of privacy. Everyone is there. CONSTANTLY. And when they want to say something to me, they don’t give me a warning. They just say it. YES that sounds like an insane complaint but it’s an actual problem. Usually a text message notification or a “hey” to get my attention. No. Now they just say it cause they know I’m listening regardless if it was directed towards me or not. I’m five feet away and very nosy, I won’t deny it. But warn me before I have to communicate, ya know?

The other part is the pain pills. They’re opioids and after taking them for a week, I can see why there’s a huge problem with them in our country. They gave me about 30 pills in a container. I went to the doctor’s office to get my bandage changed 3 days after my surgery and they asked if I needed a refill. In 3 days? I’m not popping them like candy. While they are helpful for my foot, they have the worst side affects I’ve ever experienced from the prescribed drug. I sit and stare at a wall like I just smoked the biggest blunt on earth and my vision goes in and out of focus like an android camera. Makes me wonder how these are even legal. I was going to write this post last night but I had taken a pill and decided it was probably best for me to attempt it in a more sober state.

I’ve recently been trying to work on how I approach people with my problems. Like how to politely tell someone they’re acting like a child, or how to nicely tell someone to shut up. I haven’t gotten very far. But at least I’m coming to terms with it right? A little progress is still progress. If I’m holding my tongue to avoid unnecessary arguments, maybe I’ve done something right that day. But at the same time, where does it draw the line? When am I allowed to express my frustration even if it might anger the other person. Because anytime someone scolds me for something harshly, I know I get angry.

“How dare you speak to me like that”

I don’t want to look down on someone, but at the same time their actions are causing me stress and anger. I can’t overlook those emotions. My feelings are valid feelings. But throwing insults at someone won’t make them stop and certainly won’t make anyone feel better. Why voice frustration if nothing changes? That’s the whole point of telling someone when they’re pissing you off or frustrating you or insulting you, right? To get the behavior to change. Doing it effectively is the hard part.

I’m no stranger to anger. I’ve lived with a lot of it my whole life. Which is ironic for someone who passes the time by watching Road Rage compilations on Youtube. I’ve had my fair share of explosive episodes and I wouldn’t wish anger on anyone. It took me years to learn that anger is an appropriate emotion sometimes. I grew up learning it was bad but turning around and seeing someone in authority lose their mind over little things. “Maybe it’s only for adults” I’d tell myself. “It’s okay for adults to be angry but not me”

Now that I’m older and more aware of adults making mistakes (I being one of those adults making mistakes) I’ve come to understand that I’m more prone to anger than some people. Maybe it’s a trait, maybe it’s a learned behavior, I’ll probably never know. But controlling it is hard. I slip up a LOT. If someone were to cut me off or tailgate me, I’ll most likely flip them off. If I get fired from a job, I’m going to be pissed.

These small moments can ruin an hour, a day, sometimes an entire month for me. It’s wasted time and it’s moments I’ll never get back. But there’s a silver lining and it’s this:

At least I’m not self destructing anymore. At least I’m not screaming into my pillow or throwing things or punching walls anymore. At least I’m not so angry that I’m suicidal anymore. I have healthier outlets for my anger. So like I said before, a little progress is still progress. Yeah, sometimes I slip up, sometimes I feel so angry I need to throw something (which usually ends up being my phone onto my pillow nowadays). While those angry feelings aren’t gone, they’re controlled. Hopefully that’s what matters in the long run.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: